Maria

Tonight was just amazing.
I had had my doubts about YouthQuake but it was nice, never have I seen so many Christians so energetic. It reminded me sort of like Thespians.
I felt as if I was sort of out of place on some levels. I have never felt that much passion about Christ, even in my own church, from the youth. Jennifer plans on coming to the next one with me.
On the way home, we got lost for almost 20 extra minutes than it should have taken.
When I got back to my mom's house, I went to get my backpack and as Kyle quoted me: "There were three knives on the table next to my things. WHAT THE HELL MOM!" I was scared. I didn't know if she was trying to leave me a message or something... Talk about awkward.
Then I went to my brothers' apartment and he asked me about my "friend," also know as Mahoney; only because I didn't tell him and he was upset that I didn't.
Then I called Jennifer and she came and picked me up, we then went to the beach and walked for probably an hour and a half. She and I talked about everything on our minds.
And as Jennifer said, "You don't know what you love until you miss it."  It's true, I use to despise Jacksonville and everything thing in it. But I feel everything I want and need in my life is here in Jacksonville and I have a bigger chance to live my goal here.
I guess I needed to be away from Jacksonville for only so long to remember all the good things about it.
I've missed all the people I knew, just started to get to know, and my family and the  places in Jacksonville.
I do plan on moving back to Jacksonville in December and plan on restarting my college career.


SO If anyone has any places in mind as to where to live and get a job.I am all ears. :D

<3

I friggin' like you, is that enough?

God, I can't take it anymore.
I try to suppress my feelings that I have towards you and just be friends with you, but every time I try, it does not seem to work.
From the first time I met you, way back when you were dating one of my friends, I could tell we would be friends for a while, which was true.
I hope you can still consider me your friend even though I don't fit your friend "quota."
I know I'm not a good athlete, I don't remember most things I've learned, and I haven't done much with my life.
But I hope you can look past all the negative things about me and see my positive things.
I've had a rough life, while you lead somewhat of the "simpler" life, not saying that you got everything you asked for and I'm not saying that I didn't get much of what I asked for either, but you always talk about all these fun and exciting things you've done while I say I've hardly done a third of that.
I'm trying to stop my feelings and just see you as a normal, regular friend. It might take longer than I hope, but if that's all we will ever be, I will bare with it and move on.

My feelings for you are a jumbled mess. I can't determine whether or not if I like you or if its lust. I don't know if I want something more than just being friends with you.
It makes me want to bawl. Why must we be like this with each other.
Why can't we just finish what we started.
I don't know if I just want your body or your body and your mind.
You make me feel rare. It's like you want me to be successful in life, yet you won't say it directly to me, like you want me to figure it out myself, like you've given me a push, but that's all you'll give me until I come and ask for more.
Is this true?
Is this how you feel?

Do we stop being friends entirely or do we just take a break from each other?

I don't want to ever not be friends with you, I don't think I have it in me for that.
I can't see myself in the future not being friends with you.
Can you?

I get into these mindsets where I really want to write. I think that I have it all together. And I sit down and get myself organized.
I open up the screen, lay my hands on the keyboard and it’s as if everything that was running through my mind earlier; every thought, every idea is gone. Just like that.
I have some serious issues with trying to get the words out of my head and through my fingers. I have pictures and story lines racing around in my head all of the time, but sometimes, I just can’t bring anything to life.
Although, every once in a while, it’s like an explosion.
It’s like every inkling has been squeezed from my imagination and I find myself typing furiously for hours, words spilling out as if they’ve been suppressed for too long.

You know, I think that the secret to happiness is not necessarily using all of your energy and time and effort into finding an alternate world of perfection.
Perfection - God, every inkling of meaning behind that word makes me mad. Nobody really wants perfection. You can't possibly want a world where everything is happy go-lucky, skipping through the park, making love by the river, smiles and laughter full of perfection.

However, at the same time, nobody wants a world of constant greif and sadness, loneliness and abandonment. Of course not.

Everybody experiences love and pain at some point during their lives, but nobody get's to choose when or for how long these feelings will last.
You can't hide from these things, and by God, I wouldn't want to.
It's all these experiences and feelings, good or bad, that help you to form your version of "happiness". You learn to understand your boundaries.
You think you know how far life can push you, but you'll be constantly surprised.

Happiness, when it really comes down to it, is being able to stand up and say that everything has gone to shit, but say it with a smile on your face because you know better than to think it's the end.
Happiness is being able to say that one day you'll be dead, but you'll never be dying.
Happiness is when you're finally able to see past all the imperfections.

And I'm still learning.

I don't get it.
I was told...
"Let's hang out this weekend when you come back into town."
I said "Sure, that will be cool. How about Saturday?"
"Alright, that sounds awesome."

Saturday comes around...
"Hey, we still hanging out today?"
3 hours later, no response.

I get onto myspace and see her status:
"Hanging out with Jennifer."
So I comment it saying, "I guess we aren't hanging out."

So I text Jenn and ask her to hang out, she says she's with Jen so she can't.
But I can hang out with both of them later.
I text her back saying I can't because I'm going to see Beauty and the Beast tonight.
So it'd be too late.
She replied with..."Mmmky."

I don't get it.
These two people see each other basically every day of their lives.
And when they say they'll make time for others, they forget or only care about certain others.

Something else *in sarcastic tone* oh so wonderful happened today.
So, Jen, Jenn and I were all supposed to hang out tonight after I went to see Beauty and the Beast right?
Well guess what? We went to Cici's before I saw B&B and Jen and Jenn got into a fight.
So, they went home.
Jen texts me saying, "I'll pick you up after the show and we'll hang out."
So I reply saying "Okay, that's cool. I'll text you when we get out."
So, during intermission, I check my phone. I see a text from Caty's Twitter saying she's going to Milano's with Jen, Jenn, Aria, and someone else.
And I get another text from Jenn saying that they are going to Amsterdam.
So, since it was close to my house Jen said she'd most likely pick me up and to text her when the show gets out.
So, I did and sent my only ride home, home.
I get a text back from Jen saying, I can't take you. We are still at Amsterdam.
Awesome, Right?
No. Fucking shit. I'm alone at FCCJ at 11pm. Fuck no.
I'm fucking tired of this bullshit they play.
So I text her these exact words: "Thanks for saying you could come get me. I sent my ride home. Now I have to wait for them to drive back out here and get me. Thanks a lot."
And she replies "Sorry."
Sorry doesn't cut it anymore. That was the fucking LAST straw Jen. I'm done. So. Fucking. Done.
She isn't the on having to wait at 11pm with no one at FCCJ waiting for a ride.
Then she asks if she can go to church with me tomorrow. Uh.. why would I want to go to church with you?
You just fucking bailed on me. TWICE in the same FUCKING DAY!
She apparently didn't think I wanted to hang out with her anymore, so she and everyone else she was hanging out with went to see a movie.
Oh thanks Jen, thanks for inviting me to hang out. Because we are totally "best friends". Oh yeah, I forgot. No we aren't.
Fuck you. I'm done.

This is one of the reasons why I want to break all my connections with people who live here.
Except for like 2 people.
[Cleo and Womanizer.]

None of the others really seem to care about me anymore.
So why should I care for them?

They say they are my "best" friends and never get to see me...
Well this is why I don't call people my "best friends."

There isn't even a real meaning to the term "best friend," and if there were, no one I know has even come close to meeting that quota, besides Yoko.

Yoko is my light. My hero. My knight in shining. My brain basically.
She tells me right from wrong, corrects my mistakes, and helps me in life.
She's been there for me through so much. I don't think I can compare to her.
No one can. She's amazing.
I don't know where or who or what I would be with out her.


If I could have anything in the world it would be that Yoko and I stay friends forever.
Through every heartbreak, tears, laughter, and distance.
No matter what happens, I hope we will always be friends.
And some how I think we will be able too.

Whenever I need someone to talk to Yoko is there.
Whenever I want to tell old stories I tell Yoko.
Whenever I have a deep secret I will now only tell Yoko.
Whenever I want to cry, I'll cry to Yoko.
Because I know she will be there to lift me back up and put me in my place.

Thank you for listening. :]

So, today I had an interview at the Santa Fe Bookstore.

And I got the job! :D

Yay!

Anyways, before that, I had to catch 3 buses to get there.

But bus 5 ran a little late and I missed the bus and this other lady, a black lady with a deep African accent, did too.

She asked to borrow my cell phone to call her husband because she had an exam at 9:30 and it was already 8:45.

So, I let her. She told me she and her husband would give me a ride because I was nice enough to let her use my phone.

So we wait at the bus stop for her husband and she tells me about work study and everything.

When her husband gets there, she offers me to sit in the front seat because there was a baby in the back, who was named John. He was the cutest little black baby I’ve seen.

But anyways, her husband asked me what I did on Sundays and I said nothing, because I have yet to go to the church on University that Will was telling me about, and so he gave me this card and told me to go to this church.

But I don’t think I’m going too.
Just because I’m going to check out the one on University because it’s a Catholic Church and the one he told me to go to was a Bapisit.

But anyways, people are actually fairly nice.

You just gotta be nice to them.

Body:

Why would I do that? I mean, we are both moving on and going to different schools in towns 3 hours away from each other.
We will barely have any time to talk. I just feel this is better for us. We don't have to stop being friends but we won't be best friends and I won't give it another chance. Sorry.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jen
To: Maria
Date: Jul 27, 2009 2:19 AM
Subject: RE: so


One thing, and you don't have to answer this. Can we start over? You don't give me your trust I earn it just the way I did when we first became friends. Kind of a fresh start

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Maria
To: Jen
Date: Jul 27, 2009 1:36 AM
Subject: RE: so


But its not going to. I'm sorry, I'm not going to put my trust in someone or multiple people who don't act like they care. That was the last straw, sorry. We'll still be friends but not like we were.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jen
To: Maria
Date: Jul 27, 2009 1:31 AM
Subject: so


I want to apologize for being a bad friend for the past week and days to you. Last night was a huge mistake on my part and I should have figured out the plans with Jenn before I went and invited you to come over and tell you that I could pick you up. I really do care about you as a person even though lately I haven't been expressing that. You mean so much to me because you are truly one of my best friends and I can honestly count on you to tell me the truth. I want our friendship to go back to the way that was. I love you